Howl & I'm done
by jay357
Summary: Miranda isn't sure where this affair is going. She certainly isn't sure what she's feeling - counterpart to "SHE'S ALWAYS A WOMAN TO ME" ******* cover courtesy of XRAN on DeviantartDOTcom
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Bioware owns it all. Well, most of it. "Howl" is a magnificent song by Florence + the Machine. Awesome, awesome work of art.**  
**Archiving: Only with permission of the author.**  
**Author's Note: Counterpart to "She's always a woman to me". Can be read as a single ficlet, though.**

**Song is the second one in this playlist:**  
**8tracksDOTcom/jay357/she-s-always-a-woman-to-me**  
**(replace the DOT with a real . )**

* * *

Miranda was standing in the corner furthest from the bed she had just slipped out of. Her blue opposite was still lying there, sleeping peacefully. She had no reason to be here still. But something kept her from leaving. And instead of doing the logical thing, she was watching the lithe form on the bed intensively. Every time she snuck onto the Normandy, she promised herself it would be the last time. But that had not worked so far, and she was starting to feel like a fool. A fool who had no control over herself.

_**If you could only see the beast you've made of me**_

Which was true. In a way. When she had started this filthy affair with the Asari, she had known she would be losing control sooner rather than later. The sensitive biotic just had a way of reaching her that she had no remedy for. So she had set up rules for herself. Rules that would keep her from losing control. She had created a simple set of algorithms that would determine whether she would allow herself to see the Asari. Easy as that. It had worked wonderfully in the beginning. Mind-blowing sex had been interrupted by days, weeks, sometimes months of fantasizing, and Miranda had used her alone time wisely, had buried herself in work. But then something had changed. She couldn't remember when, exactly, but she knew why. It had been after the two of them hadn't seen each other for a few months already, when Miranda had visited the other woman on the Shadow Broker Base. That was the first time she had made the mistake: She had stayed in bed, just watching the Asari, tenderly stroking the blue back that was presented to her. And something inside of her had opened up. And she had been lost.

_**I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free**_

From then on it had been hard to keep her composure. To keep their charade going. The bigger her need to see the Asari had been, the more determined she had become not to visit her. It had worked astonishingly well. Sometimes Miranda hadn't shown up at all. And she had even refused to give an explanation. Her feelings might have gotten carried away, but she was still very much in charge of her actions. That she had proven over and over. A part of her was aware of the fact that she was hurting the Asari with her behaviour, but she forced herself not to care. Her well-being still had top priority, after all. No blue alien would ever change that... But it had changed. It had all changed so drastically. Where she had once reveled in the quiet of her own quarters, she would now lie in bed, hugging the covers; crying.

_**Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart**_

She had started to care. Masking her feelings every time she had sex with the young biotic had been so easy at first. To her, sex had been a task, a perfect means of releasing tension, that was all. As time went on, it had been increasingly difficult for her to keep her true emotions locked away. Sometimes they would emerge and her body would do things she had had no intention of doing. Like caressing a soft cheek while pushing her fingers into the wetness that seemed to promise so much more than a roll in the sack. But when she caught herself thinking along those lines, she would usually have no trouble to get a grip on herself and fight the unnecessary emotions that were clouding her judgement. Most of the time it would become rough after that. Sometimes she had been sorry for the claw marks that were covering the other body, but just as often, she wouldn't care. It was the Asari's own fault, after all. If she didn't want to be taken that way, she would just have to protest. But she never did. Even though Miranda had tried to provoke a reaction several times. Pinching sensitive nipples, scratching over soft buttocks skin, biting tender mounds of flesh, thrusting her fingers deeply into the warmth of clamping muscles...

_**Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart**_  
_**My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in**_

Yes, no doubt, she enjoyed it. Sex with the Asari was a remarkable thing. The meld alone was far more than she could ever fathom, but lately it had become increasingly difficult to keep the facade up. Not being in control simply did not do for Miranda Lawson. What she did on her own time might be excusable, but not being able to keep her hands to herself, to keep the look in her eyes in check, that was not acceptable. Crying and screaming and sobbing in her quarters, in the safety of her room, that was one thing. Letting the Asari see that something was going on, that was an entirely different matter! She had yet to find a different solution for her emotional phases, taking the lithe biotic from behind or marking her whole body as belonging to Miranda wasn't enough anymore.

_**You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl**_  
_**My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in**_

But the more she felt she hurt the alien, the more she felt regret, and the more likely it became that those feelings would leak to the outside. It was a circle she just could not break out of. Every single time she reminded herself of that she would cry. And cry and cry and cry.

_**You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to**_  
_**Howl**_

Today she had finally decided that something had to change. She wanted to be in control again. Her emotional outbursts were a weakness she would not endure for much longer. The Asari would have to learn that Miranda wouldn't give in. That, even though she had made many mistakes in her life, and even though their fling was one of those, she would not back down. She had come here to make this situation her own again. No matter the cost.

_**Now there's no holding back, I'm making to attack  
My blood is singing with your voice, I want to pour it out**_  
_**The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound**_  
_**I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground**_

She had planned it all out. Considered the arguments the Asari would probably make, and prepared herself for the possibility of a long and dreadful discussion. But it had been to no avail. The beautiful, wonderful woman splayed over the covers had soon erased all coherent thought from her mind, and all she had been able to do was take her. And take her again, harder.

_**Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins**_  
_**I want to find you, tear out all your tenderness**_

She hadn't been herself when she had ripped off her own clothes today. She had been a mindless fucking machine, glorious in her own right.

_**Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers**_  
_**Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters**_

Afterwards the Asari had fallen asleep quick as a tired child. Miranda's fingers had developed a mind of their own and traced the scars and scratches on the blue body. Explored the intriguing structure of alien skin, and at one point she had even kissed the neck that had rested so delicately on a cushion. She had wrapped her arm around the sleeping form and pulled her close. And the most wonderful feeling had filled her up. Her heart had started to flutter and her consciousness had started to fade.

_**The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress**_  
_**Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest**_  
**  
**But there had been no way that she would allow this weakness. So she had gotten out of bed, hiding in the darkness of the furthermost corner, watching the Asari as if she had some contagious disease. She would never admit it to anyone, but she was afraid. Strong, cold Miranda Lawson was scared. Scared of her own shadow, it seemed. What was there to be afraid of? The alien was as good as anything that had ever happened to her... One might even say the biotic was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Miranda sighed. Losing control was a terrifying thing, to be sure. But on the other hand it was a wonderful thing to lose control with the Asari. To let go of everything that had mattered before. Concentrating on intelligent blue eyes had a more calming effect than every other relaxation technique she knew, and the loving whispers of the other woman were something Miranda missed when she was sleeping in her own home, alone.

_**A woman who's pure of heart and says her prayers by night**_  
_**May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright**_

Miranda was staring at her fingers, remembering the feeling the warm skin had evoked inside of her. Tenderness. She had felt the need to be gentle, affectionate, loving, even. Why did she feel this way? She had tried so hard to squash these emotions, to crush them with all her might. But they had come back. And the thought of leaving the Asari alone right now... felt wrong somehow. It went against everything she believed in, and yet... Yet it would probably feel good to slip back into bed and spoon the blue body that was so easily offered to her. Maybe she should stay. Just this one night. And give in to the temptation that was the blue biotic. It was weirdly out of character, but what was she supposed to do? The Asari had changed something inside of her, and even although she had tried for months, she hadn't been able to reverse it.

_**If you could only see the beast you've made of me**_  
**  
**Miranda had gone crazy. Crazy in love with the blue stirring form on the bed.

_**I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free**_

When blue eyes locked with her's, Miranda couldn't help but smile.  
"Liara." It felt good to say her name.

**THE END.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I can't listen to music anymore. Almost every single song makes me want to write about the two of them. I think my brain is stuck...**

**"I'm done" belongs to the Pussycat Dolls and is the third song in this playlist:**  
**8tracksDOTcom/jay357/she-s-always-a-woman-to-me**  
**(replace the DOT with a real . )**

* * *

After falling asleep in the Asari's arms, Miranda woke to the unfamiliar feeling of being spooned from behind. A slightly cooler body was pressing into her back, soft mounds clinging to her still sweaty skin. A tiny smile tucked at the corners of her lips, unbidden, but not entirely unwelcome.

**_I wasn't looking for this_**

A blue hand traced the Human's chest lazily, and goosebumps formed where nails scraped over soft skin. Miranda sighed. She didn't regret her decision to stay, and yet ... she did. In a way. Staying overnight was not her style, but somehow it had felt right to slip into bed again. To kiss the Asari who had still been half asleep. To claim her body and her mind, forcing the other woman to meld with her, for the first time not caring to inhibit her thoughts, laying them all out in the open. That's what she regretted. Or would come to regret. She was almost sure of it. She had never been one for emotional declarations or expressing feelings of fondness. Nor did she want to label what they had.

**_What is this_**

Starting off, they had both known what they were getting into. They weren't friends. Certainly not lovers. But they did have an arrangement that satisfied both of them for a time. Until Miranda had noticed the change in the Asari, felt the distance the blue alien was trying to keep during their melds. But sometimes the longing and desperation in the other biotic had shimmered through, forcing the Human to be less gentle and more vigorous in her attempt to ignore the emotions that were imposed on her.

**_I don't know_**

It had all been so simple before she had met the beautiful Asari. Her days had consisted of work, and work alone, and she had spent her nights losing herself in some stranger's arms. Never the same person twice. Until _she _had come along.

**_You kno__w I was doing just fine_**  
**_By myself_**  
**_On my own_**

The appearance of the blue biotic had changed everything. It had changed Miranda's view on sex, biotics, aliens... It had changed more than she even cared to admit. And the changes had led to this moment. Lying in bed, being held close to an alien she had just made lo... just had sex with.

**_Tell me how to stop this feeling_**

Miranda shook her head, just slightly, trying to rid herself of the thoughts that had just entered her mind. Again. Her previous behaviour was unacceptable. The woman was beautiful, for sure, but love was an emotion immaterial for Miranda Lawson.

**_I don't want to fall in love_**

What she had come to cherish were the moment when she could let go. Once a month or once a week, she would just let go of all restrictions, of all proper conduct, and just be herself. Or one version of it. The young Asari had never meant anything to her, not really. She had become an incredibly good fuck, given time, but nothing more.

**_Just want to have a little fun_**

But that had been then. And now it was all different. A few hours ago she had stood there, looking at the sleeping form, not knowing what to do. Feelings unknown and unwanted had started to well up inside of her. And she had been afraid. Until she had uttered the one word she had never said on any of her visits before: Liara.

**_But then you came and swept me up and now I'm done, so done_**

Love was frightening. People behaved differently, they couldn't think straight anymore and logic was something to be sorely missed in a conversation with lovers. But as Miranda investigated her earlier demeanour, she came to realise that she was no different. Slipping into bed again to hold the cool Asari body close to hers was by no means logical or prudent behaviour.

**_Falling madly deeply  
I s__urprise myself enough to find_**

For a split second the human biotic thought about fleeing the Normany. Just to get away, to be able to think properly and without the distracting strokes of soft hands. A shaky breath escaped her lips and when all air had left her lungs, Miranda carefully wiggled out of her pleasant prison to sit on the edge of the bed, looking at the Asari quizzically. The sleeping form would not provide any answers, but it was a surprisingly nice feeling to look upon the relaxed features of the scientist.

**_That what's begun is love, and now I'm done, so done  
I'm done_**

Trembling hands reached out to trace the reptilian-like skin of the sleeping woman, exploring the intriguing shape of the head crest and facial markings. In her heart she knew she was lost, but she was not yet ready to declare defeat. The only thing her stubborn mind admitted to, was that she did not want to leave the Asari's side. Not yet anyway.

**_I can't imagine right now_**  
**_Standing here, without you_**

Part of Miranda knew that she couldn't lie to herself, let alone the Asari. The meld they had shared earlier had made sure of that. The Human had let go of all boundaries and fears, had opened herself up to be scrutinized and taken. And the other woman had. So hiding her feelings was not an option. All she could do was stay here and risk the pain she was so afraid of. But it wouldn't be that bad, would it? Somehow everything was easier when the young biotic was around.

**_To think that I tried to ignore_**  
**_What I felt, what I knew_**  
**_I could never stop this feeling_**

Blue eyes bored into hers, and the Human couldn't help but swallow awkwardly. Her still extended hand was slowly creeping back towards her, hoping the Asari wouldn't notice. But midair a blue hand grasped hers and pulled it towards glistening lips. Soft kisses rained upon her hand, making her sigh and mewl, while she was desperately trying to remain silent.

**_Thank you for not letting go_**  
**_When I said_**  
**_Let me go_**

Miranda let out a deep breath, not knowing where all the air was suddenly coming from. Her lips quivered slightly, not knowing whether she should smile or cry or both, when the blue form pushed herself up and crawled closer, resting her head on the brunette's legs. Understanding eyes were telling her more than words would ever be able to. Tears were forming in her own eyes, and for once it felt good to let them out. The faint smile on the Asari's face faltered a little, but did not vanish entirely, when the alien said:  
"I know."

**_Thank you for timing, thank you for finding_**  
**_Thank you for not believing me, baby, when I said_**

Her head went down, intend on kissing the gorgeous woman with full force, expecting her to pull back at the last moment. But when their lips met, Miranda felt what she had so desperately needed. Acceptance. Love. And a little despair because it was all so unexpected and confusing for the Asari herself.

**_I don't want to fall in love_**  
**_Just want to have a little fun_**  
_  
_Coming up for air, Miranda rested her forehead on the blue head below. Her breath mingled with the ragged breathing of the alien, and she forced herself not to bend down and kiss her again. She had never expected to fall in love. Nor had she expected to fall in love with a blue Asari.

**_But then you came and swept me up and now I'm done, so done_**  
_**Falling madly deeply**_

But when she looked into trusting sky blue eyes, Miranda knew it couldn't be more perfect. The only thing which had held her back was her fear. And there was no need to be afraid anymore. The scientist had read all her fears and needs and wishes through the meld, and she was not afraid.

_**I surprise myself enough to find  
That what's begun is love, and now I'm done, so done  
I'm done**_

"I love you, Miranda."

**_I wasn't looking for this, and now I'm done_**

_I'm done_**_  
_**_  
_**THE END.**


End file.
